sábado, 2 de julio de 2011

Tips for: being a good kisser (if you're kissing me) and knowing when to shut up (in the purpose of making friends).

After many dates and… I’m going to say quasi-dates in order to sound classy (and not like a promiscuous teenager with raging hormones), I’ve noticed some pointers that would make things proceed in an orderly fashion easier for you and less guilty for me.

First of all, before kissing, there needs to be a very important, yet, often overlooked step: 

1) Look into his/her/it eyes while tussling his/her/it ‘s hair (if such subject has any, if not, the spot between the middle part of the back of the head and the neck… whilst SLIGHTLY touching the part between the ears with, you know, the rest of your arm). 

2) Say something uselessly poignant, yet, incredibly sexy, such as: “I like the smell of aftershave when mixed with that of rain falling on concrete”. 

3) Try to make your eyes say “I’m a boiling machine of hotness and I can’t contain it any longer” while at the same time picturing you’re about to make out with some demure, snarky subject who looks like he/she/it fell from a Jane Austen novel. 

4) Look at their lips while envisioning a fight between sex pheromones and primer pheromones (you want to stay away from aggregation pheromones, as such say United States penal code). 

5) Repeat the looking into eyes thing, this time said subject is a Chocolate Chip Paradise from Chilli’sfresh out of the oven. 

After taking these steps and not taking too long [NOTE: this is for you, writers of Titanic!], you can move on to the good stuff. Now, (after getting confirmation, otherwise that’s assault [NOTE: confirmation is when the other person gets a hazy look in their eyes and looks at your lips as if they were a delicious bottle of Vodka]) gently and slowly (not SLOW slow but, slow enough that you get maybe two breaths in) lean in, tilt your head a teeny tiny bit (30 degrees or less) and make your lips do as if you’re going to say a slow“Mih”. Yes; it makes sense, just don’t say it out loud unless being in the privacy of a closed, secluded place [NOTE: privacy entails, no one around, certainly NOT the person whom you want some schmoozing on]. 

Just before contact look up to the person’s (hopefully it’s a person) eyes and make this look that says you want to tear each other’s clothes apart with your mouth (but don’t, ‘cause that’s creepy and weird). Now, this part is really important. As soon as your lips touch, don’t go all Nazi on the fucker and attack him, neither with your mouth nor with your body. Your hand is still in its warm nozzle and now you are going to make the following name (obviously, inside voice): Humbert Simpson. This should be very precise. Start with the “H”, then “umb” ”beh” (the “rt” is silent) “Si” “mp” “Sooooooon”. After saying the name once (or about 10 seconds in), quickly roll your tongue (just the tip) sideways, lightly brushing the other person’s. Make about 3 sideways exercises (its a cross between tongue push-ups and those crunches where you turn your body to the left and then to the right) and wait for your partner to play. 

At this point your hands should be starting to roam around the other persons head/shoulder/back (one on the head/shoulder and the other on the back, upper back you perv!) Do the name thing again and in the middle turn your head to the other side. Now repeat the name while sliding your upper back hand down until the waist. Stop there (I like to put this hand underneath the shirt and tug at the skin there, maybe get a feel of the skin on a deeper level, you know?). 

After the suppressed, passionate sigh (there’s always a sigh), gently pull away and slowly open your eyes and look at each other straight in the eyes. It should last around 20-30 mississippis or just enough to get used to the mouth rolls. After this, congrats! You are qualified to kiss me, further bettering your chances of being a well-rounded individual! 

Alas, there's a very basic statement that is very true: Social situations aren’t too hard. When you’re not in them, of course. As recently discussed with a very wise man, there are two types of people: the people who talk at social situations and the type that stays quiet and is annoyed by the scene in place. The first has many sub-divisions. There are the loud-mouthed, often over-indulging scenesters who are acting on uncontrollable nervousness. These will say an assortment of stories, varying from embarrassing to down-right “Who cares? Why do you feel the need to say this out loud?”. They are, however, the life of the party, rightly so and get tons of shags, not relationships however. In second, we have the “I am the great”. This group is usually jocks, ex-jocks, members of the varsity team or any other high school legend that’s used to getting around. These will turn the conversation into them, particularly using the same basic principles of psychology: listen, distract and plot (Sorry: “ponder”). These usually have a million friends whom they will choose to listen to a handful of irrelevant life events for in the future say “Oh, how about this thing you mentioned a million months ago…?” so the other follower, pardon, “person”, will praise their memory and think “Gee, what a good person this god is”. This group finds a lot of suitors ready for a dedicated relationship but disillusion the strong-willed with their childish need for attention and praise at any cost. In third we have the followers of the previous group. They are well rounded individuals with a lot of self-doubt and confidence issues. They value protection more than individuality and crave reassurance in any and all aspects of their lives. They have long and sweet relationships but when they’re done with them go into a deep depression. The last group is always present: the loner. The one who doesn’t talk, rarely smiles. This person feels unable to connect with the rest of the groups because of a glitch in their reasoning. They are brilliant and funny (in a cynical way) but they tend to ignore the truth in a way other than logically (their logic that is). They tend to be the most fun out of the groups once they learn to grasp reality outside their own, dealing with people in their entirety. Usually, the “I am the great” group tends to get a guilty pleasure out of toying with this one, mainly because the thought of not having attention or even the respect that so often comes easily to them. 

There are of course, other groups but none that I care to write about. Not today, anyways. If you’ve identified yourself with any of these groups (and chances are you will unless you are the “god-like creature” with superiority complex or some of the non-listed, although they follow similar descriptions) then you can surely now use that to your advantage. Some clues to know when someone is annoyed/bored by you are the following: 

1) Their eyes start to go blank from time to time. 

2) They’re fiddling with their nails in a slightly autistic way. 

3) They walk away and don’t say anything. 

4) They make an underhanded comment using cheap sarcasm. 

5) They don’t smile at you or look at you straight in the eyes. 

6) They say vague comments in reply to your questions.

Special thanks to Sebastian Humbert whose name and personality inspired the specific technique (the one with his name on it) and O.J. Simpson whose aggresive nature can only be both a solution for neutralizing hormones and a way to get into the mood by being inappropriately charming.

Also thanks to Gabs, Jan, Turtle Man and Mr. Spider, for giving me ideas and feedback on how to be a well balanced snarky bitch in writing this essay.

-Fishied <3

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